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       Like a panther, I slink my two-hundred fifty pounds of taut, well-toned cellulose along the dark hallway.  Even the slightest noise may rouse suspicion and lead to my untimely demise.  My wife is, after all, a light sleeper.  She was expecting me home from the bar hours ago, but I couldn't call her and tell her I'd be late; I left my cell phone at home.  Of course, John's phone was dead, and the last time I saw a pay phone it was on display at a New York art museum.  So all that's left for me is to spend 15 minutes creeping past dusty memories hanging on the wall towards my goal: the door.

       BONG.  BONG.  BONG.

I nearly jump out of my skin as the tell-tale grandfather clock on the other end of the hallway lets the world know just how late I am getting home.  A brief pause at the door gives me time to take a deep, silent breath and calm my nerves before turning the handle.  I have to be patient, to take my time, perhaps even hours.  A gentle push, hardly more than a nudge, really, and the door gradually opens to the blackness beyond.

       Creeeeaaaak!

       Oh God, that door needs oil.  I wait, poised, listening for any movement.  All I can hear is my own heart pounding in my chest.  Then I move.  Every step must be carefully placed.  First the toes.  Test the ground.  Press.  Press harder.  Shift my weight.  Creak!  I duck, but no blow comes.  The next step.  Creak.  Creak.  Creak.  Lord, even the curtains are creaking.  Now if only I can slip into bed, I'll be home free.  I can just claim I'd been there since-

       "And where have you been?"  The light flicks on.  My wife is sitting up, arms crossed.

       Caught in headlights.  "I, uh…  I was at the bar.  John was there.  I meant to call-"

       "Sure you were.  You know it closed an hour ago," she says.

       "Is it really that late?  I guess we lost track of time talking."  I have to act nonchalant, like nothing's wrong.  I pull off my shirt and pants and crawl into bed beside my wife.

       "Remember, we have to get up for church tomorrow," she says and leans over to kiss me.  Instead, she sniffs my breath.  "At the bar, huh?  You don't smell like you've been drinking."

       "What?  Well, I stopped early.  I mean, I had to drive home."

       "And if I call the bar, they'll say you were there, right?"

       "Uh, sure, I guess they will."

       That look.  She knows something's up.  "Then how did you pay for it if you left you wallet here?"  It's a trap!  She pulls my wallet out from her cleavage.  How long did she have it in there?

       "My wallet?" I ask, patting my side as if I still had on pants, despite that fact that the wallet's right there in front of me.  Crap.  "I didn't.  Well, I… I ran into an old friend the other day.  Sharon, that girl I dated in college.  I was at her place."

       "Sharon?  You don't expect me to believe that, do you?  You were at John's place, weren't you?  You were having a LAN party again."

       "No!  Of course not!"

       "It's written all over your face.  You were playing that Diablo game again, weren't you?"

       "Why do you say that?"

       "Because you brought your laptop."

       "No, I, I was having a torrid affair with Sharon."

       "Oh please.  No lipstick, no perfume…  is that Cheeto powder on your cheek?  You know I'm going to have to confiscate your laptop for a week," she says.

       "Why?"

       "Because you lied to me.  And we're still going to church."

       I heave a defiant sigh and lay down.  The light turns off.  "At least I don't spend hours on Candy Crush."

       "Want me to withdraw sex, too?"

       "No dear."
My first DD!  I'm very grateful for all the glowing compliments!  I hope to continue to entertain you all!
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-10-27
~Tambit plays on reader expectations in the humorous short Three in the Morning. ( Featured by neurotype )
:iconkreepingspawn:
KreepingSpawn Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
:lmao:
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013
Hah hah! Good twist!
I also have had many a torrid affair with Diablo.  I try to stay away - the relationship isn't good for us.
Reply
:iconlittlefiredragon:
LittleFireDragon Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hah, love it.
Reply
:iconstormbadger:
Stormbadger Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ok, this is just awesome.
Reply
:iconbambambaby8:
BamBamBaby8 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Student General Artist
Ahahaha this is great! XD
Reply
:iconashealath:
Ashealath Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh goodness, that was brilliant. Really great writing on top of a unexpected, and hilarious plot twist. That was great, really well done, definitely worth the DD.
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconashealath:
Ashealath Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome~
Reply
:iconnamida713:
Namida713 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013
ROFL. Total plot twist was brilliant. xD Loved how you even included him trying to play it off as an affair too!

congrats on the DD.
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013  Professional Writer
Hehe, I imagine him being very adamant about that.  "No, I was having.  An.  Affair!"
Reply
:iconashrooms:
Ashrooms Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ahahaha, fantastic writing! Something I think most of us can relate to, well done :)
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013  Professional Writer
Hehe, I had a feeling I just needed to find the right audience
Reply
:iconavarairstables:
AvarairStables Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013
BAHAHA, well worth the DD <3
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
I hope I can continue to offer up work worthy of DDs!
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconbeyond-an-anomaly:
Beyond-An-Anomaly Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Student General Artist
Oh gosh, this is amazingly brilliant. I have no idea what more I can say besides excellent work, and a very merry congrats on the DD. It's very well-earned. :)

Nicely done, and congrats! :D

-BAA
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you!  I'm flattered!
Reply
:iconbeyond-an-anomaly:
Beyond-An-Anomaly Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Student General Artist
Gaw, stop it. Not a problem. Thanks for the llama. :D
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
No problem!
Reply
:iconnightwish05:
Nightwish05 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013
OMG this was good!! great job
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconecoolman5:
ecoolman5 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
every relationship.
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
Different time, same game!
Reply
:iconleakittychan:
leakittychan Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013
aah thanks for the good laugh!
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm thrilled I was able to brighten you day! :)
Reply
:iconsummer-flower:
Summer-flower Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013
hhhhhhhhhhh...
Reply
:iconloveislightblue:
Loveislightblue Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is probably most amusing and well-written amusing story that I have read in awhile. You really got me laughing, this is just beautiful. xD :'D
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
^~^  Thank you so much!  You have me blushing!
Reply
:iconloveislightblue:
Loveislightblue Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Honestly, it was just brilliantly put together! I'm not sure if the Star Wars reference was intentional, but I was tearing up with laughter. Well-written, hilarious, descriptive and ironic in the best of ways. I should be thanking you, you made my day, it's been awhile since I had a piece of literature hold my attention from the first line. Simply brilliant. :) So brilliant I had to watch you because of it!
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That opening line. :laughing:
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
Hehe, I love a good hook
Reply
:iconanimafelis:
ANIMAfelis Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional General Artist
Ahahahaahaha!
:+fav: for sure!
^^
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
Hehe, thanks!
Reply
:iconzjoriz:
zJoriz Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013
Hah, sudden plot twist! Something similar happened in one of the Naked Gun movies, but the LAN party thing was pretty funny. As is the well-toned cellulose ^_^
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
I'll have to look at those movies again!
Reply
:iconzjoriz:
zJoriz Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013
It was one of the later ones. The protagonist Frank Drebin swore to his wife not to get involved in police work anymore. Ends up doing it anyway, undergoing an sm session at a sperm bank and then trying to convince his wife he has an affair. Oddness ensues.
Reply
:iconsteffenc-itsjustme:
SteffenC-itsjustme Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ha! That was amusing :P

Ah, the threat of withholding sex. Funny and effective in fiction, hilarious and even more effective in real life :P
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
It's the nuclear proliferation threat of relationships
Reply
:iconsteffenc-itsjustme:
SteffenC-itsjustme Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
True! XD
In a relationship with two strong individuals it might even lead to madness - that is Mutually Assured Destruction..ness :P
Reply
:iconcamiliah:
Camiliah Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013
Congratulations on the DD! :3
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks!  I'm stoked to have earned my first!
Reply
:icon805927-94:
805927-94 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013   Traditional Artist
I love this! The writing was spot-on, and the rather comedic turn of events left me pleasantly surprised. This piece really brightened my day -- a well-deserved DD! :D
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you so much!  I simply love entertaining others with my writing.
Reply
:iconaquagalaxy:
AquaGalaxy Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013
awesome work!
congratulations on getting a DD ! >w<
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:icongloryangel:
GloryAngel Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013
It's funny that he lied about cheating to cover up going to a LAN party because it's usually the other way around XD
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm proud of the reverse bar conversation as well!  :)
Reply
:iconecanusiofiel:
Ecanusiofiel Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Student General Artist
HAHHAAAHAA I love this! Great job and congrats on the DD!
Reply
:icontambit:
Tambit Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Professional Writer
:)  Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!
Reply
:iconecanusiofiel:
Ecanusiofiel Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Student General Artist
It made me giggle so much. 
Reply
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October 18, 2013
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