Spencer's Money-Saving Tips for New Parents by Tambit, literature
Literature
Spencer's Money-Saving Tips for New Parents
So, you are thinking of having a kid. In THIS economy!? Then here are some money-saving tips from a stay-at-home dad that can make having kids affordable no matter your income!
1) When you order things, do it in bulk. But make it count. Don't just buy 100 diapers. Buy 10,000! This saves money and time. Plus, if you do it online, you'll be left with boxes that can be used later!
2) Kids grow out of clothes very fast. So hit those thrift stores, consignment sales, and the trash bins behind department stores! When your kid outgrows a pair, don't give it away or sell it. Cut up the ones you don't like into strips and sew them onto the
“Are you warm enough?” I asked Lilly as the gravel crunched under our feet. Her soft, panting breath hung in the air like a fog. It was colder than we were used to in southern California.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said. I didn’t have a coat to give her to stop her shivering, so I made sure she wore lots of layers, including my old flannel shirt. It still didn’t stop her shivering.
“Do you want me to carry you?”
She glanced at me, but that pout she was so good at wasn’t there. “I’m eight,” was all she said.
I kept walking, but her footsteps stopped. “Lill
How to Dress your 18-month Old by Tambit, literature
Literature
How to Dress your 18-month Old
Step 1: Undress your child.
This will usually involve discovering that your child is a contortionist who can tie himself into knots.
Step 2: Pull the pacifier from his hand.
It will not fit through the sleeve of his shirts. Warning, he has the grip of a lumberjack.
Step 3: Grab the clothes.
Step 4: Realize that none of his clothes still fit him.
Step 5: Search his closet for more clothes.
As you do this, attempt to hold your child. When that fails, you have exactly 0.325 seconds before he has discovered a stash of 18 pacifiers and other toys, which he will now hold in one hand.
Step 6: Find the only items of cloth
It's that time again. Another 15 confessions of twindom.
Enjoy.
***
Twinfession #16: The only reason I haven't faked my death and gone on a crime spree blaming my brother is that I'm lazy.
Twinfession #17: The dichotomy of being a twin is that I am unique because I am not unique.
Twinfession #18: If something ever goes wrong with me, I've got a complete set of spare parts!
Twinfession #19: Every magician has a trick that uses a twin. Some can only use that trick once, though.
Twinfession #20: All twins have superpowers, but we don't like to show them off. That would be rude, and we're better than that.
Twinfession #20 b: Except for the
I am a twin. Identical, even. So I thought I should have a little fun with it. I've been making these Twinfessions on my twitter account, but decided to collect them here for you all to enjoy. Let's see how long I can keep these going.
***
Twinfession #1: Sometimes when I don't want to talk to someone, I tell them I have a twin. It's not technically lying.
Twinfession #2: Sometimes I wake up at 3am and punch myself in the face, just to keep my brother in Atlanta on his toes.
Twinfession #3: In 4th grade my brother and I switched places and never switched back. No one has noticed.
Twinfession #4: Since we have the same genes, my kids
“So have you gotten any acceptance letters back, Sumners?” Mitch asked with a knowing smugness. The locker room was where we always had our little tête-à-têtes, no matter how crowded it got, which it usually was after gym. To be honest, the crowd was part of the fun.
“Yeah, a couple,” I said with as much disinterest as I could muster.
“Oh really? Where to? Anything good?”
“Well my fallback came through,” I said and suppressed a grin as I pulled my shirt on. To give him the full impact, I waited a good 10 seconds before telling him. “Carnegie Mellon.”
More th
A Sinister Love: The Temptation by Tambit, literature
Literature
A Sinister Love: The Temptation
“Come along, Mud-Face,” the serpentine lizard said as it crawled along the verdant floor of Paradise.
“It’s Brown-Noser, sir,” replied the smaller lizard that skittered along beside him.
“That’ssss a terrible name. You should get a proper name, a good name, a name like, ‘Rotworm.’ Now there’s a good name!”
Brown-Noser rolled his yellow eyes. “Sir, that’s your name. I’m not going-”
“Then Rotworm Junior. I don’t know. Shut up! Do you remember the plan?”
“Not really, sir. The last seventeen plans didn’t exactly wor
The bloom of misplaced rage defies the stars and turns night into day. Sudden, sharp shadows cut across the landscape, carving the shapes of everything above ground into the eye. The very air bellows outward in a tight wave, flattening trees, buildings, and people that are unfortunate enough to sit nearby. First I am overwhelmed by the light. It is this final image, and only this image, of cold, hate-filled light tearing apart my best friend that seals itself into my mind's eye: the last thing I will ever see. Then I feel my skin burning off of my face. By the time the deafening battle-cry of the bomb hits me, I am already dead.
6 minu
11,440 hours. That's well over a year of time I have lived. Truly lived.
I try not to think about it. After all, who thinks about how many hours they spend asleep, or on the toilet, or driving to work? No one wants to know how much time is passing by.
Sure, I've been around for some 25 years, but really I was asleep for most of it. Almost all of it. I am not the smartest guy. I'm stuck in a chair. And Lord knows I don't have much in the looks department. It wasn't until I went online that I finally woke up. Got what I deserved. Became me.
A body. No, not just a body. I have a body. A good body, a good-looking body. Damn, mak